Thoughts and Prayers

After every shooting, I see an offer of "Thoughts and Prayers." I cynically posted a "Thoughts and Prayers" meme after the church shooting in November in Texas. I said "If only those people in Texas had prayed harder." One of my friends commented "REALLY!?!?!"  Social media has become an increasingly polarizing place. The anonymity of posting memes and arguing with friends and strangers online has taken out a human element of reasonable discourse. We say things on Facebook that we would rarely say to another person's face, let alone our friends. I have been trying to be better about doing this, and taking these conversations offline and out in public.

Here are some of the comments and suggestions I have seen along with my own "thoughts and prayers."

People need to do a better job raising their kids!

Some children live in one-parent households (for a multitude of reasons) and their parents are doing their best just to put food on the table. We don’t know their situation; maybe they shouldn’t have been parents or didn’t want to be a parent in the first place. Maybe they couldn’t afford birth control, or their partner left them after they got pregnant. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood and unfortunately some people only realize it after it’s too late. 

Let’s not forget the half million kids in foster care and their unique challenges. What do we do about those kids that get left behind? It is true that it "takes a village", and we all need to do our part to help out the kids that we see struggling. 

Some of these parents are doing everything they can to raise their kids right. Some children are born with antisocial personality disorder and don’t know the difference between right and wrong. There aren’t enough resources for the parents of these kids, and they also might have a hard time believing that there is something wrong with their child. Deinstitutionalization is another part of the problem, but that is a bag of worms for another day.

Teenagers can be insanely impulsive. As someone who was once a teenager, I can give quite a few personal anecdotes on this topic. According to researchers at the NIH, this is because teenage brains are in the process of maturing – their prefrontal cortexes are still maturing. The rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed and won't be until about age 25. As adults, we reason better, develop more control over impulses and make better judgments. This also makes me wonder why we are sending people to war without fully developed brains.

So while everyone is screaming mental illness, let’s be honest with ourselves – teenagers are impulsive and do stupid things. It's because they have developing brains.

If you see something say something! 

People do. Unfortunately, these systems fail as they did in Florida. Reports are now emerging that the latest shooter was reported to authorities multiple times. Also, not every incident is meticulously planned – some are impulsive teenage immature brain problems. There was also the 12 year old girl who brought a gun to school in her backpack. The backpack fell on the ground and discharged the gun, wounding 2 kids. That also puts to bed the "guns are inanimate objects" argument as well. They can misfire and accidents can happen. 

Video games and violent TV/movies/glorification of violence are the problem!
Study results have been inconsistent at best and have produced conflicting results at worst. Canada and Europe have many similar shows/movies/music, yet they don't have these problems. That said, those countries have some major differences: socialized medicine and strict gun laws. 

Mental Illness is the problem!

According to NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Health), approximately 1 in 5 adults in the US (43.8 million) experience mental illness in any given year. Certainly many of the mass shooters were suffering from mental health issues, but to say that anyone who has a mental illness will commit a violent crime is simply false. It creates even more stigma for those who suffer from these invisible illnesses. 

Our schools need more security!

There was an armed guard at Parkland High School. It is now reported that he froze in the situation and never went inside to confront the gunman. If this was a trained deputy, why should we expect better from armed teachers? Teachers are barely paid enough as it is for the work that they do. Most of them went into the profession to teach children, not defend them from armed maniacs. Assuming that the teachers would want to be armed, we would also have several officers carrying guns to protect each school entrance, of course we would also install metal detectors. 
Are we sending our kids to school or sending them to prison?

We already have gun laws / gun laws don’t work in Chicago/Baltimore/other place

While it is true that there are plenty of gun laws on the books, the inconsistency between state laws create a lot of problems. Due to lax gun laws in neighboring states, all it takes is an hour or less drive into a neighboring state to have someone make a straw purchase or even a legal purchase. 

On to facts.

Part of the reason that gun violence is difficult to study is because of the Dickey Amendment of 1996, which ties the hands of the CDC and prevents them from using Federal funds to “advocate or promote gun control.” The NRA pushed for this amendment at the time, after researchers had produced studies that suggested that having a gun in the house increased the risk of homicide and suicide (spoiler alert: it does). 

Since 1968, more than 1.5 million Americans have died in gun-related incidents, according to data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. By comparison, approximately 1.2 million service members have been killed in every war in U.S. history, according to estimates from the Department of Veterans Affairs and iCasualties.org, a website that maintains an ongoing database of casualties from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. For the record, this number includes suicides. 

There were nearly twice as many suicides involving firearms in 2015 as there were murders involving guns, and the rate has been increasing in recent years. Suicide by firearm accounts for almost half of all suicides in the US, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. A 2016 study published in the American Journal of Public Health found there was a strong relationship between higher levels of gun ownership in a state and higher firearm suicide rates for both men and women.

More guns also means that more police officers are killed. Researchers looked at federal data for firearm ownership and homicides of police officers across the US over 15 years. They found that states with more gun ownership had more cops killed in homicides: Every 10 percent increase in firearm ownership correlated with 10 additional officers killed in homicides over the 15-year study period (American Journal of Public Health).

Here’s another data point: Although we hear a lot about AR-15s and “assault weapons” during mass shooting incidents, most murders caused by guns involve handguns (FBI). The nature of semi-automatic weapons like the AR-15 makes it easier for mass shooters to take out a large amount of targets in a short time frame, due to accuracy and lack of recoil. This said, the truth is that these types of weapons statistically cause fewer deaths than handguns.

Proposed Solutions

Store your weapons securely. Guns should be secured unloaded in a biometrically locked gun safe, with a trigger lock engaged. If not in a gun safe, all guns should have a trigger lock device installed at all times. There are now biometric trigger locking devices available. If all gun owners followed these procedures, it would reduce unintentional injuries and deaths. 

Repeal the Dickey Amendment to allow the CDC to study gun violence. It is truly a public health crisis. Let's study it and create solutions that are backed up with scientific data.

Congress should pass legislation requiring universal background checks. That would close federal loopholes on background checks at gun shows and other private sales. Additionally, anyone who would like to own a firearm should pass a skills test showing that they know how to properly use their weapons and that they have the knowledge necessary to be a safe gun owner. This would be similar to the training already required for those obtaining concealed carry permits. As a part of this, a firearm registry could be created so that gun sales can be tracked. The registry should be able to be accessed by mental health professionals, school counselors, police officers, and anyone else who would need the information in their professions to “red flag” someone as going to hurt themselves or others.

Congress could also limit the number of guns that can be purchased by one person in a period of time. They could also raise the age limit of all gun purchases. It would be nice to say 25, as per the earlier immature teenage brain, but at least increase the age to 21. Lawmakers could toughen penalties for straw purchases. Mass shooters often carried more than one weapon; one was found with 24. At least 167 weapons of mass shooters were obtained legally and 49 were obtained illegally. It’s unclear how 76 weapons were acquired.

Institute a gun buyback program. The cost is not too much. With each mass shooting, schools are renovated or torn down and rebuilt, costing tens or hundreds of millions of dollars. How much is a life saved worth? How much do you value your life? Your child’s life? Another loved one? Your neighbor? What about the people in your community?

Although I personally don’t believe that anyone needs semi-automatic weapons, I do recognize that some people really enjoy guns. I believe that certain weapons should require an increased level of scrutiny or “extreme vetting” if you will. The folks that want weapons like the AR-15 should face closer scrutiny than someone who is hunting deer with their bolt action rifle. Perhaps congress needs to specify classes of firearms with screening procedures for each.

I recognize that America is a unique country. I would love to say that America can simply enact the same kind of wildly successful gun regulations that Australia has: 28 day waiting periods, thorough background checks, and a requirement to present a “justifiable reason” to own a gun. Their gun buyback program meant about a million guns went back to the government and were destroyed. 

The problem is that in America we have a gun for every person. However, it is estimated that less than one third of Americans own a gun. So one third of Americans own an estimated 320 million guns. What do you do with that? It’s hard to shut the barn door after the horse has already left the stable. 

Even though the horse has already left the stable, we have to do something and we have to start somewhere. The number of guns in this country has roughly doubled in the past 50 years. Perhaps 50 years from now the changes that we make today will have made a meaningful impact. I hope that my grandchildren never have to fear being gunned down in the classroom or on the street.

I live in a rural area with a big gun culture. I know families here who rely on hunting to provide food. Guns are a way of life here. We need hunters to control our wildlife population. Trust me, you’d wish that Bambi had been killed before she ran in front of your car. 

What it really comes down to is do we value our guns more than we value the lives of children?

I am in awe of the kids from Parkland who have started this movement and discussion. It's sad to say that fear seems to be the only effective motivator for change, but it appears that it is. The NRA pushes fear based motivation all the time: "bad guys" are coming after you. The Democrats are coming for your guns. 

It is both terrible and inspiring that it has taken children to stand up and say that they are tired of being slaughtered in their classrooms for anyone to do more than send "thoughts and prayers." 

My thoughts and prayers: March for Our Lives will be the falling of small stones that will start an avalanche.

First Markface-Free Trip

Here are some photo highlights from our trip to the Yucatan. I still have to download the pics I took at Chichen Itza from my camera.

Highlights of the week were diving at MUSA, exploring Isla Mujeres, and another fantastic outing with Alberto from One Percent Travel. 

MUSA - Manchones Reef

Catfish at Cenote Oxman outside Valladolid

MUSA Manchones Reef

Cenote Oxman

Pequeno Manchones Reef

El Castillo, Chichen Itza

Corn Ice Cream in Valladolid Square

Proof that I was in Cenote Oxman

"Usie" by ruins in Isla Mujeres

Time Bomb - MUSA 

The Silent Evolution, MUSA

The Silent Evolution, MUSA

Cenote Oxman

Full post coming soon... I have to fully review visiting Chichen Itza (I liked Coba better - less touristy), as that is one of my five UNESCO for 46 and 47 of my 101 list.

Traveling with Tots

I've been wanting to blog about our traveling experiences with Markface for a while in hopes that it might help others.

**UPDATE JANUARY 2018**

Currumbin Wildlife Refuge - Coolangatta, Queensland, Australia
May 2017 (Mark ~2.5)

I scoured the internet for hours, posted questions in the moms group I belong to on Facebook, texted friends, and consulted my Magic Eight Ball.

Travel with a toddler? The number one answer: Don't do it!

Traveling with babies is tough, but how else can you get a picture like this?

In my brief experience, I have discovered (so far) that there is an age that is extremely difficult to deal with - at least it was for us. From about 14 months to 22 months was not good for traveling. In our experience, doing pretty much anything during that time frame was a challenge (and continues to be - terrible twos in full force here).

In the 14-22 month range, Mark was mobile, curious, headstrong, and would not listen to anything we said. Running away was a fun game. This time frame also involved either extreme clinginess or extreme independence. Mark either was clinging to our legs and begging to be picked up or was running away at full-tilt.

This was a trip to AZ to visit my SILColleen at around 17 months old - we were lucky to have family to help on this trip!

You can imagine that this wasn't the ideal time for trips.

While I am by no means an expert, we've chalked up a dozen long weekend road trips and three week-long vacations involving air travel (two domestic and one international) in two years with our son Mark, so I wanted to share a few things that might be helpful for other folks traveling with small humans. We also traveled to Australia (about 48 hours travel time including layovers) while he was 2.5. I will add my updates in this font.

Mark's first "trip" was to New York to visit family when he was three months old.

Here we are at the Residence Inn Long Island Islip, which is our favorite place to stay while visiting friends and family in the Deer Park area.

Here are some travel suggestions to maintain your sanity. Good luck, we're all counting on you!

1. Maintain Your Usual Schedule, If Possible

Kids thrive on routine and still need their sleep. We are all grumpy when we don't get as much shut-eye as usual, and this is especially true for kids. They're in a new place and their schedules are all up in the air.  Staying on schedule is easiest from birth to three months, as kids can nap anywhere, and in these early months, there is no such thing as a schedule anyway.

If you're traveling by car and your destination is less than four hours away, try to plan naptime for the middle of the trip. If you're traveling by air, for the love of God, don't wake them up early for a flight. We immediately regretted our early flight to Miami (which I was so proud of saving a ton of money on). The trade-off for saving cash on our flight was a cranky 15 month old who we woke at 3 a.m. for an hour + long drive to the airport, the usual fun check-in procedure, and security. He put up with all of this until we got on board. He cried for what felt like the entire flight. To my horror, I discovered that we were those people on the plane.

The best baby on a plane is a sleeping baby

It was so bad that the flight attendant gave Jay two free bottles of vodka with his Bloody Mary mix.

Determine if adjusting to a new time zone makes sense for you and your child. The general rule of thumb is that it takes one day to adjust to each hour of time difference. If you're taking a long weekend in Paris (lucky you), consider sticking to your usual time zone for activities, if at all possible.

If your trip allows you to adjust to local time, live like our ancestors did. Wake at sunrise and start winding down at sunset. Make sure that you and  your kiddo are exposed to as much natural light as possible. It will help you adjust more quickly.

I've always heard that you should stay up until 8 pm local time to best adjust to a new time zone. For adults, a 2 hour nap on arrival afternoon (hell, you're on vacation - nap each day!) is also fine, as well as up to a 3-3.5 hour nap for your kid. Wake them at least 3 or 4 hours before their local bedtime though so that they can eat dinner and try to get settled in.

Here is an update from my time in Australia: There was a 14 hour time difference, and he actually adjusted to it better than we did. Our first day there, we let him take a 3.5 hour nap. We also hit the playground and got outside right away. Kids are incredibly resilient and adaptable. Although you should check with your pediatrician before doing this, we also got some melatonin gummy vitamins - 1 mg each. We bit one in half and gave it to Mark about an hour before "bedtime". Make sure that you put the top on all the way, because he did get in to them at one point and ate about 4 of them. I'm happy to tell you that he survived and he slept GREAT that night.

2. Prepare for Passport Issues

Ready for Mexico

If you are traveling abroad, it can be incredibly difficult to get a good passport photo of your baby. Especially if they are less than 6 months old and can't sit up. We tried passport photo apps as well as getting Mark's picture taken at Walmart photo. We failed at both. It's difficult to get everything aligned correctly without any shadows, and Walmart employees weren't the most knowledgeable on the whole baby with a passport thing.

If you're going to try the photo yourself, lay your baby outside on a white sheet or blanket. Preferably on a cloudy day, where you get enough light for the photo, but not enough to cause shadows.

I found this post to be the most useful for getting a passport photo for Markface.

Ultimately, the lovely woman who works at our local post office took Mark's photo while he was laying down on an old mail bag. When in doubt, ask USPS what to do. They're experts!

Also, don't forget - kid's passport photos expire after 5 years, so you need to keep a close eye on Passport expiration dates. Most countries require that your passport is valid for at least six months beyond your planned return date. Check to make sure that you have all of the necessary information from the U.S. State department before your trip, and also check with the country you will be visiting to see if there are any travel visas to secure ahead of time.

Australia has an electronic visa system - see if the country you are traveling to has one as well. Prepare to check this at least 2-3 months ahead of time!

3. Keep them occupied

This is the name of the game on planes, trains, and automobiles (and boats too, I'm sure). A kid occupied with a new toy or game is going to be less likely to annoy those around them, especially their parents.

When you think of traveling with your child, think like a bride on her wedding day.

Something Old
A favorite toy, stuffed animal, or blankie- perhaps even something that you haven't let them have in a while that is comforting to them. Break it out if you sense they are about to lose their shit. If you have to resort to a pacifier even if they've given up the habit, do it. It's also good to have a pacifier, bottle, or sippy cup for them during take off and landing in an airplane. Kids have tiny Eustachian tubes that are more prone to getting blocked than ours. This is also why they are more prone to ear infections. Speaking of which, if it looks like that might be happening before your trip, try out Wally's Ear Oil. You'll thank me later.

Something New
Kids love something they've never seen or played with before. Have something new and available before they spy something that someone else has that they want. Download some new apps on the phone or tablet. Some inexpensive suggestions: pipe cleaners with beaded fluff balls, stickers, dollar store junk wrapped in wrapping paper, a Tupperware container full of random objects, yo-yos, invisible markers with coloring books, masking tape and duct tape too (just in case you get desperate - also good for childproofing your destination). Whatever you don't mind losing.

Something Borrowed
Ask friends with kids their saving grace when it comes to traveling with their kids. Then ask to borrow it. A good travel stroller? An ergo carrier? An iPad or Tablet? Think of what can do the most good and take up the least amount of space.

Something Blue
Blue is for blueberries. Stopping meltdowns from happening in our house usually involves snacks. Bring pouch applesauce, blueberries, or raisins. Mandarin oranges. Cereal bars. Bring something low in sugar to stop them from bouncing off the walls, but also something that they might consider a treat.

I can't tell you how we survived all of our travel to OZ, but we did. I think that the pipecleaners with the fluff balls were the biggest hit. He also liked things with magnets. Oh! And those fun toy airplanes that they sell at the airport are awesome too. There was another kid with one on the plane and I thought that Mark was going to steal it from him.

4. Be Prepared, but Don't Overpack

This may come as a surprise to you, but people populate the entire world. This means that at some point, they were babies. Inexplicably, people continue to make other people- there are kids all over the world. You probably don't need to bring your entire stash of diapers. Bring plenty of diapers to get you through the travel day and the next day or two (you never know what delays you'll encounter with air travel). Chances are good that there will be a place to buy diapers where you are going. They might not be your chosen brand, but they will be fine. Exception: Bring swim diapers as those might be harder to find.

One of the many places that I fed my kid was at this lovely restaurant in Cancun overlooking the lagoon

On breastfeeding: I made the mistake of bringing my breast pump on vacation several times and I never needed it. If you will be away from your child, invest in a small manual pump. Also, most other people around the world are more used to seeing babies eat in the usual fashion. Bring a cover up if it makes you comfortable, but don't stress too much - no one really wants to see your boobs and they can look away if it bothers them.

We found diapers (aka nappies!) to be cheaper in Australia than they were at home. They definitely have them everywhere!

5. Don't Give in to Fear

It's okay to take a break from your kid(s) on vacation. Go to the spa. Go out to dinner. Take time for yourself (and your significant other).

As soon as I start planning for a vacation, I start the Google search for a babysitter. It never fails that when I begin my search for a babysitter or sitting service, I see posts like this:"I can't see how safe it would be, leaving a child with an unvetted stranger."

I don't advocate that you leave your child with an unvetted stranger. Instead, I suggest that you do some research and meet the sitter ahead of time and/or ask for references. Most hotels also have a go-to babysitting service that they recommend, and they nearly always come with background checks.

We've used babysitting services in Cancun, Outer Banks, NC, and Key West. We even found a sitter on Craigslist for Key West. She gave us references and we met her at her day job when we got down there. Sitter City and Care.com are other resources to utilize.

Sunrise with Markface in Buxton, NC

When we go to Australia next year, we are planning to use Busy Bees. I will report back after our return.

I'm not saying that child abductions don't happen; they certainly do. However, your child is most likely to be abducted by someone they know. 82% of abductions are by a family member, often a parent. Less than 1% of all kidnappings are by strangers, and the majority of those are likely to happen near your house. It's much easier to abduct a kid in ways other than posing as a babysitter online and risking detection and leaving a paper or telephone trail.

If you're still feeling anxious about leaving your kid with a stranger, think of vacationing in a place that has childcare available.

We did not end up using Busy Bees in Australia, as right before we left I was unable to make contact with the person there. I did however find a sitter in the Gold Coast area called Heaven Sent Help and they really were heavenly. Our sitter was a fantastic Kiwi named Colleen and she ended up watching Mark probably 3 or 4 times during our week in Coolangatta. She was phenomenal and I am still in touch with her. 

In Bargara, which is a coastal town near Bundaberg, I found our babysitter using Facebook. Yes, I know it's crazy. I haunted Facebook and creeped on a number of pages until I found Curdy's Kids Care. Zoe is the owner and at the time that I met her, she did not have a lovely website like this. :) She was PHENOMENAL and I felt completely at ease leaving Mark with her. I think that he may have had more fun with her than Jay and I did going out to dinner and diving the Great Barrier Reef.

ONE MORE UPDATE ON TRAVEL TIPS -- HERE IS MY BONUS TIP!

If you have a long layover (5+ hours), may I suggest a Day Use hotel? It sounded super sketchy when I first heard of them, but I am now a firm believer. Gone are the days of sleazy pay by the hour hotels. Now you can book a luxury hotel room for a partial day! We used Hotels by Day  for our long layovers at LAX and booked a Marriott for around $85. It was just what we needed to grab a shower and a nap, especially on our way home. Even better, these hotels are usually near the airport and they have shuttle pick up. Other Day Use websites are DayUse.com and Between9and5.com. 

Obviously this list is not all-inclusive. This is very much a work in progress and I am planning to add on to this list (perhaps even make it a devoted page on the site) as I have new ideas.

How about you? Please share your own tips and tricks of traveling.

Happy traveling!

Toddler in Tow

I'm working on a post devoted to traveling with a small person. Given how many hours I researched on my own before our first trips, I think it is only fair to share my own experiences!

Week in Arizona

The pictures just don't do the Grand Canyon justice.

I'm planning to post more about my trip. Maybe. Okay, probably not.

But it was amazing. My SIL Colleen planned an awesome itinerary for us and we had a blast. Also, traveling with a toddler nearly 1.5 is not for the faint of heart. I'm glad that we don't have any other major trips planned with him for the next few months or possibly year, because he is a bit dangerous at the moment. 

Back to Blogging

I swear it's going to happen this time.

I never posted about our five year anniversary reunion in Key West. It was a bit of a bust, although parts of it were fun. The best part for me was the diving, even though the visibility wasn't great. We saw two dolphins and two rather large reef sharks at Looe Key. I'm looking forward to getting back in the water this year. We'll probably check out Lake Phoenix this summer to brush up on our skills. I would love to do a trip out with our dive shop to the Outer Banks this year, but we'll see how that goes. I don't know if I'll be comfortable enough to go to the depths that most wreck diving involve. Not to mention my dive buddy's excessive air consumption! But maybe a few weekends of diving at Lake Phoenix will cure some of our problems.

Here are the last few months in photos...

Markface eating rocks at the Waterfowl Festival

Our annual post-Thanksgiving walk to the persimmon tree (aka the permission tree)

Markface showing off his latest moves

We had a sweet van for our group from Miami to Key West

Ryan and Jay pushing Markface's stroller... this trip we stayed pretty far north, in the quiet White Street district. I liked being a bit of a haul from Duval Street, it made for some impressive Fitbit stats!

Markface being adorable at the Conch Republic Seafood Company

Markface trying to feed me something

Shark wrangler

This will forever be known as the Tomato Soup incident. It was one of the low-lights of our trip.

Markface passed out on Duval after the boat parade

Jay and Brian attempting to wash off a sandy Mark at Bahia Honda State Park

The flight home was much better than our flight down

Setting up our tree. Mark was trying to put a cracker into the tree

Feeding the chickens... Mark calls them cluck-clucks

One of his newest tricks - getting on top of the table

Jay took Mark on an impromptu trip to New York to see friends and family... this is in Long Beach

And we got a bit of snow a few weeks back. Mark was a big fan and probably would have stayed out all day if he hadn't gotten cold.

We are off to Phoenix tomorrow to visit Colleen (yay) and for some R&R. 

Plans:

Survive a 7 hour flight with an active toddler.

Visit the Grand Canyon.

Attend the Ren Faire.

Attend some Beer Week festivities.

Eat at Sassy's Cafe and visit Melody from Holiday Baking Championship.

Since I followed Steve so closely during the Holiday Baking Championship, I feel like I personally know everyone that was on the show. I figured that while we're in AZ, we definitely needed to check out Melody's place. The funny thing is that Steve and Rob will actually be arriving in Phoenix the same weekend that we are leaving. Sounds like there may be a bit of a HBC reunion going on out there. I'm sorry to miss the fun!